Counselling Corner articles feature tips from George Brown College counsellors. In this post Counsellor Aarti Dhanda highlights FOG in relationships (fear, obligation and guilt).
Many people find themselves in relationships with dynamics they wish would improve or be different. This can be in any sort of relationship, including romantic, with family members, or event friendships. Often, a gut feeling signals to you that something isn’t right. You may begin to question your abilities, feel afraid to lose the relationship, feel guilt and then oblige by giving into the expectation of the other person. This is the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) cycle and is also often referred to as gaslighting.
Have you ever experienced the following thoughts in a relationship?
There are so many good things about this relationship, you remind yourself. You’re feeling bad about how you made the other person feel. You also feel confused. You wonder if you’re being overly sensitive, if you’re remembering past conversations and events accurately, and if you’re being overly dramatic. Before you know it, you’re apologizing and taking on the responsibility to change while wondering if you are good enough. At the same time, you’re also feeling confused because you were sure at the beginning of the conversation that the concern you were expressing felt legitimate.
When someone in a relationship uses FOG, it invalidates the other person’s feelings and needs, often negatively impacting their self-esteem, emotional health, physical health and ability to function. If you think this is happening to someone you care about, it can be frustrating, and you may not know what to say or how to support them.
Accessing Counselling Services
COUNSELLING SERVICES PODCAST LET’S TALK
Counselling & Student Well-being Services produces the Let’s Talk podcast. Episode 2 features conversations and advice about relationships that don’t feel okay.
